


Accident and Eggmergency

by gundamoocow



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Eggs, Kylux Eggstravaganza, M/M, Making a mess, Masturbation, Medical Procedures, Modern AU, Oviposition, unrealistically short A&E waiting times, what not to do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 15:36:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10619910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gundamoocow/pseuds/gundamoocow
Summary: “Are you hurt?”Hux shook his head.“Is something--” Ren paused, glancing at the two eggs on the bathtub floor that Hux hadn’t bothered to move. “Stuck?”Hux couldn’t make himself nod.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [letmeputitinyourbutt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/letmeputitinyourbutt/gifts).



> This was prompted by a conversation with [letmeputitinyourbutt](http://letmeputitinyourbutt.tumblr.com/), and I couldn't let it go.
> 
> I marathoned writing this over 24 hours, and I apologise for the dubious quality.
> 
> The Krubera is a real dildo. You can find it [here](https://www.primalhardwere.com/product/OKR).
> 
> Happy Easter.

Finally, _finally_ , the rest of the vagrant occupants of the shared flat were gone, and Hux had a precious three days to himself. He only had to put up with this nonsense for another three or four (okay, maybe five or six, realistically) months until he had enough for a deposit on a lovely apartment near London Bridge. The rest of the new intakes in his firm were fools, choosing to immediately squander their substantial income on plush rental apartments and expensive cars that they couldn’t actually drive through the city, but Hux wasn’t an idiot. In half a year, he would be a home-owner in central London, and importantly, he will have done it without any help. Like hell he would ask bloody _Maratelle_ for money, and Rae had already done so much for him that he refused to be any more of a burden.

And so he was here: some old dance studio or warehouse refitted to become short-term accommodation for transients like himself. He shared a kitchen with seven other people and a bathroom with one, a hulking mass of a man who had a habit of making his presence known, whether through apparent destruction of his own furniture, as the sounds and vibrations through the thin plaster wall that separated their two rooms seemed to suggest, or through thorough abuse of their shared facilities. Kylo Ren was his name, and in the four weeks Ren resided in the house, Hux grew to hate every part of him. His large frame and thundering footsteps throughout the house drove Hux mad. His flowing, luscious hair was disgusting. His torso, which Hux had the misfortune to see when Ren forgot to lock the bathroom door, was horrid, with hard muscles jutting out this way and that. Absolutely appalling.

His overly American personality was the worst. He couldn’t take a single hint, from Hux’s subtle suggestions of mopping the water from the bathroom floor from time to time, to what Hux thought was a polite, yet fairly open invitation for sex. Ren either ignored him, blew him off, or made snide comments, so Hux was done. Completely done. Done thinking about him, done jerking off to the thought of him. Just done.

He had a relaxing long weekend to himself, and he was going to do his damn hardest to enjoy himself. The eggs he had already. He never used all twelve of them at once, but they looked nice in their display carton so he purchased the entire set. The toy, however, arrived in the post two weeks prior, nestled inside a plain brown box. Hux deliberated for some time until he decided on the _Krubera_ , an eleven inch delightful monstrosity, and then took a full week to decide on a colour. “Cartoon Pussy” was the shade of pink he liked, and the only thing that stayed his hand for so long was the utterly immature name its creators decided to give it.

Nevermind all that. The rest of his life. Work. Ren. Now was a time to relax. This Good Friday would indeed be good. He was clean-shaved, cleaned out, stretched out, and ready to go. A spread of luxuriously soft white towels covered his floor. Both his full length mirror and the smaller mirror from the bathroom were carefully arranged to give him good viewing angles of himself. The lube was mixed. Hux added a dash of blue food colouring to it, because why not? It was a special occasion, being a holiday and all.

He decided to warm up with the Krubera first, scooping a handful of baby blue lube and smearing it over the pink soft silicone. It was more slime than lube, and Hux congratulated himself on a good purchase. Once the Krubera was slicked, he flopped over to his side with his rear facing the smaller mirror and spread some of the lube around his hole and slid one, then two fingers inside of himself to get some in there as well. He guided the floppy hollow dildo into himself, imagining some extra-terrestrial dong probing its way inside as he watched it slowly disappear into his body.

The entry was easy, and Hux sighed as he worked the Krubera in and out of himself, slowing down to get past all the textured knobbly bits and angling it so it would go around the bend when it reached the end of his rectum. The dildo squelched with every thrust, the sounds echoing down its hollow core. Hux changed position to get it the rest of the way in, squatting over the thing and lowering himself down until he was fully seated.

Hux glanced in the mirror. His face and chest were flushed and his yet untouched cock bobbed in the air, hard and leaking. He ignored it for now, opting to shift from his feet to his knees, preferring to ride the dildo this way. It felt good. Longer, but softer than his other toys. He could ride it to climax, just like this. He bit back a moan, then remembered that he was finally _alone_ , and he let it out. When was the last time he let himself vocalise like this? He couldn’t remember, but he was sure as hell going to take advantage of his present privacy.

The Krubera felt so _nice_ sliding in and out of him that it took real effort to tear himself away from it, and even more to stop himself from grabbing his cock for a few quick tugs to orgasm. With all the hard work he put into this, he was in for the long haul. With great difficulty, he stopped moving and tried to catch his breath. Then he waited. Waited for his cock to soften a little. For his excited body to _calm_. He glanced sideways to the full-length mirror. None of the dildo was visible from this angle, only his own pale body, ruffled untidy hair, and half-lidded eyes staring back at him.

He reached for an egg.

The soft translucent material slipped and slid in his lubricated fingers. Each egg was the size of a chicken’s egg. The outside -- the eggwhite, he supposed -- was made of some kind of translucent jelly-like material. In the center, there was a hard, round “yolk”, which contained an app-controlled vibrating motor. Little rechargeable batteries in the yolks charged inductively, which was a clever touch, but the charging process was incredibly slow. Hux, of course, was fully prepared, having ensured that each egg was fully charged the night before.

Hux placed the egg into a bowl that he had set aside previously, and lifted himself off the Krubera, withdrawing it from himself completely. He grabbed another handful of slimy lube and coated the outside of the Krubera again, and then scooped some more out so he could fill the tube. He stuck his fingers into the base as far as they could go. Two, then three, stretching out the soft silicone. He did the same from the top end. The dildo was warm there, heated by his own body. Hux licked his lips.

He put the dildo down and took a few more eggs out of their carton and deposited them into the bowl with the first egg, then tipped around half the remaining lube into it, mixing it all with his fingers. Positioning would be tricky, but Hux was flexible. He leaned against the end of his bed, slouching, and spread his legs until he could see his wet, pink (now blue-ish) hole between his cheeks. His cock, growing hard again, lay against his belly.

There was so much lube on the Krubera now that it was hard to get a good gript, but Hux managed to take a firm hold of the wide base to push it in. This time, it slid inside much more easily, with minimal manoeuvring to get it most of the way in. He grabbed an egg, which he could barely hold on to, and lined it up with the hole at the base of the dildo. He pushed, but the egg slipped from his grip and skidded along the towels, leaving a blue trail in its wake.

Oh, bother. This was going to be harder than he anticipated. He reached over and picked the egg up again, this time cupping his other hand around the insertion hole to prevent the egg from flying off again. It didn’t help; the egg didn’t go in, and instead slipped right out of Hux’s grip. He would need a new strategy.

He pulled out the dildo completely. Gripping the base firmly, but not so tight as to prevent passage, Hux pushed the egg in again. With enough force, he managed. Would he be able to do it while the Krubera was inside him? Suspecting that the answer was no, he pushed the egg in just far enough that it wouldn’t be expelled on its own, and resumed his legs-spread position. Again, the Krubera entered him with ease, and he fed it in until the bulge of the egg stopped him.

Now he needed his strength. He used one hand to brace the end of the dildo to keep it in, and curled the other around the shaft, just below the egg. Hux squeezed, feeding the egg up the ovipositor, groaning a little from the strain of the continued force he had to maintain. Then he felt it -- the egg, slowly stretching him. _Fuck_. It was big. Oh, the stretch was far greater than he had anticipated. He couldn’t stop, thought, not now.

“Come on,” he encouraged it, voice straining through clenched teeth. “In you go, that’s it.” He gave the dildo one more squeeze, and the egg suddenly popped through, stretching him madly and then disappearing. He cried out, “Oh!”

Hux’s arms flopped bonelessly to his sides as he panted heavily, and the Krubera slowly slid most of the way out on its own accord. Oh, this was far better than he anticipated.

He decided to try a new technique, one he saw in a video. He pulled the Krubera out the rest of the way and inserted three eggs into it, one after another, finding it easier once there were already eggs in the tube holding it open. Placing the dildo down onto the towels, still firmly squeezing the shaft at the base, Hux crouched over the top and lowered himself down until he met the resistance of the first egg. He bounced on it a little, stretching himself more and more, and whimpered when the first egg in the series made it through. Lower. He had to go lower. He let his weight drop, letting gravity do the work as the next egg popped into him. Oh, it was heavenly.

More. He needed more, so he sat down further, moaning and grunting as he did. He spared a glance at his reflection, grinning at the sight of himself. To everyone at work, he was just a stiff in a suit. _Ha_. He let his weight drop down the rest of the way, throwing his head back with a moan as the last egg shot into him.

He sat there, riding the dildo a little, trying to keep his mind away from the eggs that were filling him up out of fear of coming right there and then. There were still eight eggs to go, and he wanted to hold out. He shifted position again and withdrew the Krubera just enough to insert another egg in. It was getting easier.

Another egg, and another, and another, and Hux was beside himself. He turned over onto his hands and knees and looked over his shoulder at the pink protrusion sticking out of his arse. He fucked himself with it, moaning freely and without inhibition. There were three more eggs left. Hux never used all of them before. There was always a first for everything, he supposed, and he reached for the carton, not giving a shit that he knocked it over. He dropped all three eggs into the lube bowl, then wiped his hand on the towel and reached for the remote, activating the vibrations in “random” mode.

The remote slipped from his hand as the vibrations hit. He moaned and squirmed on the floor, the soft white towels developing a blue hue as he spread the slick mess around. Helplessly, he rolled over onto his stomach, one hand still dutifully holding the Krubera in, and rubbed himself against a slick patch on the towel. It took every ounce of willpower that he had to pull away.

“Please!” He imagined himself begging to some faceless pink-cocked alien intent on impregnating him while denying him an orgasm.

With quivering limbs, Hux got to all fours, then rolled to his side. He fumbled for an egg and grabbed one along with a handful of slime, and shoved it into the base of the Krubera in a now well-practiced move. “Yes,” he grunted as it pushed past his sphincter. _”Yes!”_ He did the same with the second to last egg, moaning loudly as the vibrations travelled up the shaft and joining the gentle rumble deep within his body.

By the time he positioned the last egg in the base of the Krubera, he was shaking with need. He would let himself come, finally, and he wanted to do it just as the egg popped inside. His hand was already coated in slimy blue lube, but he dragged the bowl over and dunked his whole hand in, then spread it over his cock and the towel. He rolled onto the wet spot and started rutting against it, grunting and panting as he fucked himself with the Krubera at the same time.

He had no expectations at lasting more than a minute. As soon as he was on the precipice, he reached behind and grabbed the base of the dildo with both hands and squeezed the egg upwards, fucking against the towel as the egg stretched him wide and slipped inside. He swore against the towel, frantically pumping the dildo in and out of himself as he humped the floor. “Fuck! _Fuck!_ ”

Then it happened.

He came and he came. It seemed to last forever. With the dildo still inside of him, he relaxed his body completely, letting his arms drop to his sides, lying prone in the mess of lube and his own ejaculate. The eggs hummed pleasantly inside of him. He expected overstimulation, but this wasn’t _bad_.

Exhaustion suddenly took him, as well as hunger. He didn’t want to stop, not just yet, but he needed a break. He wiped his hand on a bit of towel that was still dry, and found the remote to switch the vibrations off. It could be fun to walk around with the eggs inside for a little, and then come again later as he expelled them. Yes, that would be his plan. He dragged himself up, first to his knees, and then to his feet, and grabbed a spare white towel to wrap around his waist. He wasn’t about to trail slime all over the house.

He opened the door and padded barefoot down the hall and into the communal kitchen. His cupboard was well-stocked, of course. He picked up a banana and put on the kettle, then sat on a bar stool. The eggs were surprisingly hard to feel, except for the ones that pressed a little on his prostate. He took a bite of the banana as he waited for the kettle to boil.

The distinct sound of footsteps nearly gave him a heart attack. It was Kylo Ren, his hair poking out every which way, his face stubbled, and his large body clad only in a bathrobe.

“Hey,” he mumbled as he opened the fridge.

“I thought you said you were going to see your family!” Hux exclaimed in alarm.

“Did,” Ren said, rifling through the packed shelves, then pulled out a small bottle of orange juice which he tore open and drank in several large gulps.

“But--” _But why the bloody hell was he here?!_

“They’re at a hotel. Why would I stay there?”

 _Of course_. How could Hux be so stupid? Ren never even packed a bag. Oh, for fuck’s sake.

“Did you take the mirror from the bathroom?” Ren asked.

Hux had no words. All he could do was stare at Ren in horror. He probably heard everything.

“I don’t care what you were doing with it,” Ren said. “I feel like shit. Just wanna shower and shave.”

“I’ll put it back,” Hux said weakly, his breath practically a hiss.

Ren didn’t go away. Oh, no. He opened the fridge again and started pulling out ingredients. “I hope a fry-up will kill this hangover,” Ren mumbled, then turned to Hux and asked, “You want some eggs?”

Hux nearly choked on the piece of banana that he only just started to swallow.

“There’s enough for your friend, too,” Ren said, sounding oddly disappointed.

 _Friend?_ Oh! A “friend”. Ren thought he had someone over. He didn’t know about the eggs or the Krubera or anything. He thought Hux brought somebody home. Hux was saved. This was the best news he’d heard all week. A _friend_. Of course. His shoulders relaxed with relief.

“No, no, that won’t be necessary,” Hux said, then promptly got up and returned to his room.

He returned the mirror to its rightful place in the bathroom, then headed back to his room. With his mood thoroughly killed, he decided to expel the eggs and be done with it. He squatted down. That was the best position, really, and better to do it now while his hole was relatively stretched out. He pushed, and out one plopped.

Despite his desire to finish and clean up, his cock was stirring again. Hux considered it for a moment; he was already here, and Ren thought someone was in the room with him. He would keep it down, as was proper etiquette in a shared residence, but he would still be able to enjoy himself. Yes, that was a good plan. He grabbed the discarded remote and flicked it on to the “random” setting again, resuming the lovely vibrations, then wrapped his hand around his cock and stroked slowly.

Hands and knees were a better position for viewing, so Hux shifted around, angling his rear towards the remaining mirror. He pushed again, watching his hole expand in the reflection as it stretched around a pale yellow egg. One hard push, and the egg shot out, skidding across the towels and rolling under his dresser. He chuckled a little before cutting himself off. He expelled two more eggs this way, a blue one and a purple one, jerking himself off as he did. After a little straining, no more eggs came, so Hux shifted his position back to a squat, hoping it would do the trick.

He pushed. He strained. Nothing. He pushed a couple of fingers in, and there was definitely an egg there, vibrating away. Still, no amount of pushing budged it. Perhaps it just needed a little nudge. He reached his fingers in as deeply as he could, but grabbing the egg was impossible. He’d have to get more of his hand in, it was the only way-- Hux had never been fisted before, nor had he done it himself, and he wasn’t enthused to start now, so he pushed. He pushed as hard as he ever pushed in his life, and finally, the egg popped out. Hux panted with relief.

Exhausted, he took a short break, leaning against the foot of his bed to catch his breath. The situation was worrying, but not beyond control. He left the vibrations on, hoping they would help dislodge the eggs. After he had break, he had another go. The repose didn’t help in the way of regaining his strength.

Some banging on the other side of the wall and the flow of water in the shower gave Hux an idea; as soon as Ren was done, he’d try to flush the eggs out with a douche. Yes, that was a good idea. He collected the supplies, opting for the small douche kit rather than all the enema gear. His blood turned cold. The enema kit was still in the bathroom, bag and tube hanging over the shower rail to dry. He considered going over property listings _now_ , because he was going to have to find somewhere else to live as soon as humanly possible. A hotel stay would be in order in the interim.

When Hux was certain that Ren left the bathroom, he made his way in. He filled the half litre rubber bulb with lukewarm water. There was already copious lubricant smeared all over his nether-regions, so Hux ran his fingers along his crack to collect some and smear it onto the nozzle. In other circumstances, filling himself with water like this would have been rather arousing, but right now, he just wanted everything _out_.

He squatted in the bath, not wanting to have to fish his precious eggs out of the toilet, and pushed. The water came out, and so did two eggs, one after another, but no more. He probed inside with his fingers and couldn’t even feel any others. _Damn it all to hell._

Panicking would do him absolutely no good, but here he was, wet and alone in a fucking bathtub with five eggs still vibrating inside of him.

The door knob turned suddenly, and with a click and a _crack_ it opened.

“Fuck!” Hux shouted, scrambling to get a towel to cover himself up.

“Oh shit,” Ren said. “The lock broke.”

As if the cheap, piece of shit fittings in this loathsome place were the most important issue at hand!

“Sorry, Hux, I--” Ren looked up, then down at Hux’s feet at the eggs and the slick blueish trail trickling from them and towards the drain. His eyes widened. “What’s--”

“Get out!” Hux yelled.

“Are you okay?”

“No! Get out!”

Ren about turned and left Hux to his misery. Some time later, Hux didn’t know how much, there was a knock on the door.

“What?” Hux snapped.

“I need the bathroom,” called out Ren.

“Use another one.”

“My stuff is here.”

This was the most humiliating day of Hux’s life, by far. “Fine. Come in and get it.” He was still wrapped in the towel anyway, sitting cross-legged in the tub and generally giving up on life.

Ren came in and looked down at Hux with what looked like pity. “Did your friend leave?”

Was Ren _concerned?_ Hux didn’t need that. “There’s no friend, Ren,” Hux said, defeated.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Ren asked.

Fucking bastard. First he antagonised Hux for weeks, and now he pretended to _care?_

“Are you hurt?”

Hux shook his head.

“Is something--” Ren paused, glancing at the two eggs on the bathtub floor that Hux hadn’t bothered to move. “Stuck?”

Hux couldn’t make himself nod.

“Okay,” Ren said, more to himself than to Hux. “Have you tried flushing it out with some--”

“Yes, yes,” Hux said.

“Okay,” Ren said again.

“Just take what you need and leave me alone.”

Ren didn’t move. “You should go to the hospital.”

Anger flared within Hux, briefly overshadowing his misery. “Are you _mad?_ ”

“You know what, I was just trying to help,” Ren spat, then grabbed an armful of hair products and left the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

All the frustration overflowed and Hux dropped his head into his hands, letting out a sob. The fucking eggs were still vibrating and the remote was in the other room and he had no fucking energy left to push the rest out, not that they were anywhere near his anus. The Krubera probably fired them straight into the sigmoid colon, and Hux knew very well that things could really get stuck there and cause a serious obstruction. Ren was right. As humiliating as it was going to be, he needed to go to A&E.

First, he needed to clean the lube off and get dressed. The least he could do was _look_ presentable. He stood up and hung the towel on the towel rail and turned on the water. The slimy lube was hard to get off. Hux had to use a lot of soap, and even then he could still sense it on his skin. Eventually, he gave up and turned off the water. Not bothering with the dirty towel, he sauntered over to his room while dripping wet and grabbed a fresh one from his cupboard.

Hux considered his clothing options and decided to go for an old pair of loose jeans that were only good for wearing around the house, and a t-shirt and nondescript zip-up sweatshirt. The more anonymous he looked, the better. He took a deep breath and left his room.

Out of politeness, he knocked on Ren’s door. “I’m going to A&E,” he said, then carried on down the hall to put on his shoes.

Ren’s door burst open. “How are you getting there?” Ren asked, practically out of breath.

In his present state, _not_ the tube. “A taxi. Why?”

“I’ll take you,” Ren said, ducking back into his room to grab his leather jacket.

Ren was always moaning about parking, so Hux knew he had a vehicle of some description, but as he concluded before, he didn’t need Ren’s pity _or_ his help. “There’s no need.”

“I’ll take you,” Ren said again, more insistently.

If Hux had no strength left to push out eggs, he certainly had none to fight Ren’s antics. “Fine,” he said, slipping on his sneakers.

Ren, meanwhile, had a chunky pair of boots that looked a lot like motorcycle boots. Like he needed anything else to make him even _more_ massive. They walked out the door, the deadlock clicking behind them, and went downstairs. Around the back of the property, there was a little side street, and Hux wondered where Kylo parked his car when they came upon a _motorcycle_.

“You can’t be serious,” Hux said.

“Don’t worry,” Ren said, popping open the storage compartment in the back. “I have two helmets.”

Well, if anything, the vibrations might loosen things up some. Ren put on the helmet and got on the bike. Hux sighed and followed suit.

“Grab onto me, tight,” Ren said.

Hux shuffled close, wrapping his arms around Ren. Fuck, he was big.

“What is that?” Ren asked, yelling through the helmet.

“What is what?”

“You’re vibrating!”

Oh, hell. He never turned off the eggs. “It’s the eggs!” he shouted. He wanted to tell Ren to wait so he could go get the remote, but Ren started the engine and Hux held on for dear life.

Hux was never one for adventurous road races or driving suicidal vehicles, and despite getting to the hospital in half the time that Hux anticipated, Hux had not reversed his opinion. Ren had to practically pry him off when they arrived at their destination. Hux handed Ren the helmet, Ren locked the helmets up, and they headed in.

To either Hux’s comfort or his horror (he hadn’t decided), Ren followed him to the reception desk. He registered his details, then moved to the middle-aged triage nurse.

“I--” Hux started. He licked his lips, trying to find the words.

“He has something stuck inside,” Ren leaned in and stated quietly while Hux burned up with shame.

The nurse took his details -- allergies, how long the objects had been embedded, etc. -- then told him to take a seat. “You don’t have to stay with me,” Hux said.

“It’s either this or spend time with my family,” Ren said frankly.

“Ah,” Hux said, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. Hux could relate to that one hundred percent.

“Sorry,” Ren said. “I mean, I’m not-- I’d do this for you anyway.”

“Really,” Hux said incredulously. “Is it because you want to see me humiliated?”

“No, why would you think that?” Ren sounded genuinely taken aback by Hux’s accusation.

Hux rolled his eyes. “You mock me constantly.”

“I wasn’t mocking. I was flir--”

“Mr. Hux! Armitage Hux?” A man in green scrubs and a clipboard called Hux’s name.

Hux stood up, and Ren followed. “You really don’t have to,” Hux urged.

“I want to,” Ren said. “This is interesting.”

Hux clenched his fists. This man did not take a hint.

“I’m Finn,” the man in the scrubs said. “I’m the radiologist on duty. I’ll take an x-ray, then we’ll set you up in a bed.”

“The wait was surprisingly short,” Hux commented.

“Don’t let that fool you,” Finn said. “You’ll be getting comfortable soon enough.”

They walked into the x-ray room, but then Hux got immediately sent out to put on a medical gown. He came back in, wearing nothing but the gown and his socks. Ren immediately took his clothing and shoes from his hands, then sat down.

He was instructed to lie back on a bed and hold still. The x-ray was over quickly, and Finn brought the images up on the computer screen.

“What are they?” Finn asked.

“Vibrating jelly eggs,” Hux sighed.

“Okay, so nothing sharp. Better than what some people come in with,” Finn muttered.

“Oh, really?” Hux asked. Finn’s demeanor put him surprisingly at ease.

“Trust me, you don’t want to know.” Finn typed a few notes, then explained that the eggs were stuck in his sigmoid and the proctologist would deal with the rest. “You’re out of my hands now. Go down the hall and turn right, and someone there will tell you where to go.”

“Should I change?”

“No, just stay in that.”

Hux swung his legs off the bed and made sure the gown was closed properly at the back, then stood up. Ren stood as well, and out they went, following Finn’s directions until they reached another reception desk.

“Armitage Hux,” Hux said.

“Take a seat,” the duty nurse said. “You’re lucky it’s not a busy time! They’ll have a bed for you shortly.”

“Not bad so far,” Ren said.

Hux shot him a killer glare, then sat down.

“Are the eggs still vibrating?” Ren asked.

“Yes,” Hux replied, exasperated. “I’m surprised the batteries are lasting so long.”

“Can I touch your stomach?” Ren asked quietly.

A glance at Ren’s fascinated face confirmed that his request was serious. “Fine,” shrugged Hux.

Ren reached over, placing a warm hand over Hux’s lower abdomen. “Wow,” he said. “That’s, um…”

“What?” Hux snapped.

“Kinda hot.”

“Not anymore, it’s not.”

“How did you get them so far in?” Ren didn’t remove his hand, choosing to keep it on Hux’s belly, rubbing gently as if Hux was Ren’s heavily pregnant wife. Hux chose not to stop him.

“An ovipositor,” Hux said plainly.

“A what?”

“An egg-laying dildo,” Hux said with a sigh. “Clearly it was highly effective.”

“And now your eggs are gestating,” Ren said.

Now? _Really?_ “Is this nonsense what you call flirting?”

Ren grinned. “Maybe.”

The nerve!

A different nurse called Hux’s name, and he and Ren followed. He was given a bed slightly further from the other A&E patients, who had nothing but curtains separating their bays because of his “delicate situation”. He was reminded that this was only possible because this time of day on Easter weekend was a dead time and many people were travelling for their holidays. It wasn’t exactly a private room; there were windows looking straight out into the hallway. The nurse took his blood pressure and pulse, which were both normal, and then left Hux and Ren alone. Ren sat on a chair in the corner, still holding Hux’s stuff.

A man with dark hair and a broad smile walked through the door. “You must be Mr. Hux. I’m Dr. Dameron.”

“Pleased to meet you.”

“I’ve reviewed your x-ray. Since there’s nothing life-threatening at present, I propose we undertake the standard procedure, which is to load you up with laxatives and fish these babies out. If that doesn’t work, we’ll sedate you. Looking at your x-ray, we should be able to get everything out without surgery.”

Fish them out. Just like that. If only it were so easy. “What a relief,” Hux said weakly.

“Would you be okay with a medical student performing the procedure? Under my supervision, of course.”

He would really, really rather not. “Is this strictly necessary?” Hux asked.

“I’ll be honest with you, Mr. Hux,” the doctor said. “It’ll be easier for everyone if someone with small hands does the job.”

Yes, okay. “You’ve convinced me. I approve.”

“Great. We’ll be with you in a bit.”

A nurse brought a couple of pills in and a glass of water, and Hux drank them down, hoping they would do their job in getting things moving.

“Once again,” Hux addressed Ren, “you can leave any time.”

“Do you really want me to?” Ren asked.

An absurd question.

“I don’t know, Ren,” he sighed. “I expect that this will be rather humiliating, and I don’t really want to debase myself in front of you.”

“Trust me, you won’t,” Ren said.

Hux gave in. “Fine, stay, just-- Just don’t make fun of me. This is already plenty bad enough.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

Dr. Dameron returned with a girl in tow. She couldn’t have been more than twenty years old. “This is Rey,” he said. “It’s her first day, so be nice to her,” Dr. Dameron winked.

Excellent. A total rookie.

Rey pulled up her sleeves and snapped on a long pair of gloves. In the meantime, Dr. Dameron yanked some stirrups out from under the bed and locked them in place. Hux’s heart started racing immediately.

“In you go,” the doctor said. “Get your rear end all the way to the edge.

Hux tried to pretend that he wasn’t dying of embarrassment as he settled his legs into the stirrups. Dr. Dameron pushed a button, and the whole bed tilted backwards, lifting Hux’s pelvis into the air.

Rey pulled up a stool and settled between Hux’s legs. She squirted some lubricant onto her fingers. “I’m going to examine you digitally,” she said, sounding awfully serious as she pushed a finger right into him.

“Your boyfriend can come over and hold your hand,” Dr. Dameron suggested.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Hux grunted out as Rey inserted a second finger.

“The patient is already very dilated,” Rey said to Dr. Dameron as Hux’s face turned the colour of a tomato. “Are you alright, Mr. Hux?”

“Never better,” Hux spat.

“Good,” she said, and proceeded to start pushing in who knew how many fingers.

Embarrassingly, his cock was growing stiff. His gown covered it, mostly, but it wouldn’t stay hidden forever.

The stretch suddenly got painful, and Hux winced. “Enough, enough.”

“Hey, not-boyfriend, wanna give your buddy a hand?”

What kind of a doctor spoke like this?

Hux heard Ren drag his chair over until he was right next to Hux’s bed. Annoyed that he had to stoop to this, Hux grabbed Ren’s waiting hand.

“Okay, go,” Hux instructed, and Rey stuck her hand in again.

Rey pushed and pushed, and Hux made a horrific whining yelp as her knuckles popped past his sphincter. Her hand went deeper and deeper, probing around uncomfortably. “I can feel them vibrating!” she exclaimed.

“Well?” Hux demanded under the strain. “Can you get them?”

“Give me a push,” she said. 

Hux did, and it was the oddest fucking feeling in the world.

“Nope,” she said. “Nothing.”

“Looks like we’ll have to sedate you,” Dr. Dameron said.

Hux nodded solemnly, then squeezed Ren’s hand hard and groaned loudly as Rey pulled her hand out of his arse. She wiped him down, then Dr. Dameron helped him out of the stirrups and reset the bed position.

“Rey, can you call in the anesthetist?”

“Sure thing,” she replied cheerfully and pulled off the gloves, discarding them.

“The procedure shouldn’t take too long,” Dr. Dameron explained. “We’ll give you some muscle relaxants, then open you up and stick a camera in to take a look and then pull those eggs out.”

“Do what you have to do,” Hux said. Dr. Dameron left. Ren stood up, and Hux’s eyes shot in his direction. “Please stay!”

Ren nodded. “I’ll be here when you wake up. Don’t worry.”

Hux relaxed, offering a weak smile.

“You know, I could be your not-not-boyfriend, if you want,” Ren suggested with a smirk.

“Is all this that alluring to you?” Hux asked, nodding to his present circumstance.

“You’re definitely more interesting than I gave you credit for.”

Hux snorted. “I’m not so quick to form relationships, Ren, but I would consider a date and an evaluation of your performance in bed.”

“A date, then,” Ren grinned. “Good. It’s going well so far.”

“ _This_ is not the date!” Hux objected.

That very moment, two orderlies showed up to transfer Hux to the surgery theater.

It didn’t seem like a long time had passed when he woke up in recovery. A nurse came to him almost immediately for a quick evaluation. Satisfied, she left, and Ren was allowed into the room.

“They said you’ll need to stay for a few hours.”

“I know,” Hux said. “They told me everything before I went under.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Like a truck drove through my anus,” Hux growled. “What do you think?”

“I think you probably won’t want to ride the bike back,” Ren said, utterly serious.

Hux laughed, turning his head to look at Ren, then closing his tired eyes. Perhaps the sedatives made his disposition soft, because Ren seemed far more endearing than he had before.

“Maybe you’ll just have to carry me home.”

**Author's Note:**

> DON'T STICK THINGS IN YOUR BUTT THAT CAN'T BE RETRIEVED, KIDS 0_0
> 
> Come bug me on [tumblr](https://agent-nemesis.tumblr.com/)!


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